Look Closely

The world is full of chaotic moments. Times of rushing, trying to keep up with it all. Times of not knowing if you’re coming, going, or what detour is next. Inside of the chaos, beauty can be found. There’s beauty in holding your lover’s hand. There’s beauty in a thank you from a stranger. There’s beauty in being appreciated. There’s beauty in feeling heard. There’s beauty in a child’s excitement. There’s beauty in letting go of control and letting things unfold the way they’re supposed to, knowing it’ll somehow end up okay.

I lost myself. Recently, my energy left me. My mood turned sour and negative, a bit frustrated and angry. No matter what I’d try, I couldn’t bring my mind back to home base, to the core of who I am. I have no clue why it happened or how it happened. But it did and I think everyone at some point hits this point too, knows how this feels.

I think I started questioning my path in life. Trying to figure out what I wanted my end goal to be, where I was meant to end up and how I was to go about this life. Life is big. It’s overwhelming. It’s complex. It’s damn chaos at times. My path took a hard right when my mind took a left and I wasn’t aligned.

Anyone who knows anything about me, I’m about balance and alignment. Somehow, I threw myself completely off balance. I’ve always appreciated waking up each morning. I’ve tried to be grateful for the ups and downs in life because each were building me into the person I’m meant to be. I stopped questioning the timing and had faith to know it all would come together when it was meant to. I’d meditate on things, bringing peace to my mind. I’d work on my chakras, visualizing them spinning and open and welcoming to the universe and earth’s energy.

I had felt a shift, a change, but I couldn’t stop it. My mind went spirally and I stopped being appreciative and grateful. I started getting bitter at the people in life I know who have done bad things to get further in life (currently, looking at you L.R.) and questioned why God thought it was okay to reward evil and let good suffer. I don’t have to understand it. I just have to let go of needing to know. I have to let go of that control and believe that good comes to those who do good and are good. I have to stay true to myself, to keep coming back to who I am at the core. I’ll admit it. I love myself. Not in a conceited way. In self-love. I stopped loving myself for a bit. I put too much focus on the wrong in life and not enough on the good. But. All I’ve just gone through led me to realize there is beauty in the chaos.

I am coming back to myself. I am love, I send love, I receive love. My energy won’t be held down. It will rise just as the Phoenix does. Here is my chaos. Here is my beauty.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. It’s written from my heart. It’s not a ramble. It’s me. My authentic true self that I lost and she was just waiting for the words to be able to be found again. I pray and hope you find beauty in your chaos. Peace and blessings.