Yesterday I drank more soda than I planned. But I’m not beating myself up over. I’ll do better today. When I oops on trying to do better, the knee-jerk reaction is to just keep doing bad. It’s habit. “I’ll never do better… I’ll keep messing up…. I’ll never lose the weight… I’ll never control myself…” It isn’t a good way to think, but it’s how I’m programmed. So I’m trying to break that type of reaction. Today is a new day and I’m capable of doing better. I will lose the weight, little by little, and I will get healthy. I didn’t just start having bad habits out of no where. They developed, took time to escalate, and now it will take time to undo them. It’s a process. Life is full of processes.
We know my eating issues go hand and hand with my mental health at this point so might as well say how I’m struggling there as well. Write it out and keep myself from going down the wrong path in more ways than one. It’s hard for me when I try to talk to someone and they don’t want to hear what I’m saying for one reason or another. They change the words I’m saying and twist them. Or the way I feel effects them in ways I don’t understand so I’m not permitted to talk about what’s going on. I’m allowed to be scared of things repeating in my life that have hurt me. So much trauma, so many times of people hurting me in the same ways, you get a fear of it happening. Instead of being understanding, it ends up being a “be seen and not heard” situation. I’ve been losing my voice. Little by little. I once was quiet. Never spoke up for myself, tried to go undetected by all. I literally whispered as a child because I didn’t want people to notice me or get mad for speaking. I broke free of that. It took a lot of years. I was very proud of overcoming that obstacle. Ironically, when I did, I was actually in the best health, best weight, I’ve ever been in. And now that I’m repressing back into that shy, timid, nonverbal child, I start eating more. I guess food in the mouth means no words can leave it. Since I don’t want to fall back so far after getting so far ahead, this blog is an outlet for me. People don’t have to read it. It’s for me. And maybe some will read it and be like, I’ve been there too. And maybe it’ll motivate them to talk it out and not become a person they don’t want to be. Either way, here’s to a day low in soda and high in being me.