I went to see the Hits Deep Tour with Toby Mac, We are Messengers, Jeremy Camp, Jordan Felix, Ryan Stevenson, and Aaron Cole. What an amazing performance. You could just feel the positivity in the air. The crowd, all gathered to watch these singers worship through song. It was eye and heart opening. I feel so blessed to get to experience this. They performed amazingly. I needed this. I needed a different way to connect to God. I needed to feel the love, the good, the healing, all around me. I’ve been struggling. And this helped. A reconnection on a deeper level. I sat with tears in my eyes at numerous times. Good tears. I was just that moved. If you ever get the chance to see any of these performers, I say go for it. You won’t be disappointed.
Life has a way of changing people. Some change for the better, some change for the worse, and some have no clue of how they changed through the process of it all. I fit into the last category. Life gripped me by the shoulders, spun me around in circles making me completely dizzy, and I came out someone different than when it all started. I trust too easily. I always want to help people. I want to make them feel better and do whatever I can to make that happened. Over the last two, three, years, that was no different. And I had people drag me through the mud for it. They abused who I am. They abused my trusting nature. They abused me being empathetic and sympathetic. Those with the biggest hearts do tend to be hit the hardest by these types of things. I didn’t really want to change. I want to care about people. I want to believe there is still good out there. I can’t even begin to put into words what these people did to me. It was bad. Really bad. They lied. So, so much. They pulled numerous people into their lies. They told me they were in war zones, they told me they lost children, they told me they had cancer. Anything to pull at the heart strings. None of these things happened. And I’m sure as you are reading this you’re thinking I gave them money. I didn’t. Just one of them got money and he has been court ordered to now pay it back. But overall, it wasn’t about money. It was truly about messing with my mind and my heart. They wanted to use me to hurt someone else as well. They’d use me to get closer to her to hurt her. I never meant to be a gateway to other things. That’s not me. All I’ve wanted to do for years is to fix everything, make it all better. They used me being naive against me. I no longer believe people are good. I don’t believe people can be trusted. I don’t want anyone new coming into my life. I’ve become a shell. An empty shell of who I once was and I never wanted to become this type of person. I’ll never understand the users out there. The ones who only are happy if they hurt others and bring others down. I’m sure you all can relate. These types of people are everywhere. No one is immune to them. I love the book The Outsiders. More and more I find myself remembering a couple of lines from it. “You better wise up, Pony… you get tough like me and you don’t get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothin’ can touch you” (Hinton, 125). I’ve repeated those words a lot over the years (I’ve read the book probably about seven times), but they have more meaning now. When you get tough, people can no longer use you, hurt you, betray you. Lesson learned, the hard way.
Old age happens. It doesn’t happen over night. When we are young, we are in a hurry to grow up. Once we are grown up, we wish for time to slow down. My grandparents are getting up there in age. And there’s the concerns for their health, their safety. Nursing homes are expense. Having someone come into the home to help assist in daily living activities is expensive. Children, grandchildren, carry the weight of the world when trying to do what’s best for a parent/grandparent. It isn’t easy. And while you try to figure out the best way to make sure they’re being taken care of, your mind wonders to the fact someday you yourself will be old. Who will be responsible for all of this when I’m old? I have one child. I don’t want it all to fall on him. Now is the time for me to be figuring it all out so it doesn’t end up on his shoulders some day. But in today’s world, it is so hard to get ahead enough to figure out all the details of retirement, old age, and death. Until that day comes and is staring you in the face and the alarms are going off and your mind is saying, “now what?” My mind is in a 100 different places on any given day, at any given time. I don’t want to lose my grandparents. It’s a fact of life though. I don’t want to make arrangements for my own parents. It too, is a fact of life. I don’t want to add to my own son’s stress some day figuring out what to do with me. But, that’s life. Death is part of life. Sometimes it happens too soon, sometimes it can’t happen soon enough. It brings sorrow, tears, pain, and confusion. I don’t know how to make any of it easier. I don’t think I can.
The number on the scale still says 189.2. I won’t give up, but it is frustrating to scale back on portions, snacks, and soda and not see a difference. Hopefully soon I will start being able to make bigger changes that will result in a healthier me. It hasn’t been an easy two weeks emotionally. I’m all over the place. I tend to regress what I’m feeling, but sometimes, I can’t even tell what I’m feeling and why I might be feeling a particular way. Today, I’m exhausted yet extremely antsy. It’s like ADHD and I’m like one, two, pancake, bingo! My mind races. A lot. So many thoughts, questions, and no answers and no way to talk it through. Maybe even if I don’t reach for food every time I struggle, I’m still reaching for it too much. Trying to figure it all out is complex. I have a lot of habits I need to work on. Here’s hoping to progress in the next two weeks.
#darkestminds #reading #books
I have read the first two books in the “Darkest Minds” series by Alexandra Bracken. I’m currently reading the third book, “In the After light.” I’m really loving this series. I just found out there’s also three novellas in the series as well. The story involves kids with different abilities. They’re sent away to camps so they can “learn” to control their abilities. That’s not what happens at the camps at all. The ones who can escape learn to band together to keep fighting to find the reason behind their abilities and to find the cure. I suggest reading this series to anyone interested in a good read!